I wish I could say after ten months being back in Australia
that I had adjusted to life here. In some ways I have, I mean, I know what side
of the footpath to walk on without being bumped into again. But deep down I know
that life is passing and not getting any better.
The days somehow slip away faster in
Australia than they did on the ship. I barely know where the past months have
gone and what I have spent my time doing. I feel in some ways like time is in
fast forward yet other days have stretched out much longer than I would have
cared for. These days are usually the lonely ones when my sister is at work and
I'm home, plodding around the house with no one to talk to but the plant on the
window sill or the neighbour's cat if she is around. Of course there's always
someone at the other end of the phone, but some days I just don't feel like
talking and I'm too tired to go anywhere.
Other weeks my time has been full. Full of
work, full of study, full of looking after other people's children, full of
keeping the house clean and stocked with food. In the busy days I'll sometimes
feel full of purpose and others days like I'm just filling in time waiting for
the next thing to happen.
But what is next? What am I doing in this
strange season of waiting? What can I find here to feel passionate about?
I would say that I'm surviving but not
thriving. What would it take for me to thrive here, I ask myself every so
often. I haven't come up with an answer yet. I might have grown out of this
town. It doesn't seem to fit me anymore. I feel like I could slip away
unnoticed, except for my family. They have been my roots through this whole
replanting. As for me, I feel like I've been harshly pruned for a new season but
no buds have grown yet. The losses from the ship; my community, a job I adored,
single friends to take adventures with, new places to explore, is more grieved all
these months later than the day I walked down the gangway for the last time.
The one thing I can do is hold onto the hope
I know that I have in Him. He sees me, He knows me and He loves me and that
will have to be enough.
