Beautiful Things to Come

Gungor’s song Beautiful Things is a song that I used to play in the ship ward often at handover time when we prayed together. The chorus sings,

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

The words seemed so applicable not just to my maxillofacial patients who were having their faces reconstructed and being loved despite lack of outward beauty but to each of our lives as nurses, each on a journey with God. If you haven’t heard the song clink on the link and just have a listen.

This morning I sat listening to Pandora radio and this song came on. Tears immediately sprung to my eyes as I contemplated these words again, but instead of having a ward full of maxillofacial patients in front of me, I’m in my little house lounge room, alone.

Verse 1 says,

All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

I just wonder if at the end of this year in Australia I’ll be able to say “That year was made beautiful”. I don’t mean beautiful in a shallow way. I think the deepest beauty comes through rising through massive challenge, so there’s definitely hope for me, but right now I don’t feel like I’ve gotten very far. There is certainly beauty around me, but I don’t really feel like I’m needed in any part of it. I’m an extra. Maybe that is part of what I’m learning this year too, that I am still loved just as deeply by God despite not ‘doing’ anything or being needed by anyone. It’s just a big change from the last 5+ years.

Do you know how this transition feels? I’ve read lots of blogs that talk about a ‘fog’ and it really does feel like that. I often feel quite emotionless, flat and very tired. It’s hard to drag myself out of bed in the morning. It’s hard to be motivated about anything because I don’t feel passionate about much here. I haven’t wanted to look for a different job because I feel scared to commit to something that might not be what I hoped for. I go through the motions of life but without much purpose. Not thriving, just surviving in this foggy place.

There is joy to be found in every day but when I sit down and the world goes quiet and I search my heart, it’s just plain old sad. 

 

I guess now, more than ever, I must practice praising God despite how I might feel.